Today has been an interesting one. With five weeks holiday to look forward to, I have to say I expected to sail through the day. I was reasonably organised and had a clear plan about what had to be handed over and what had to be put on hold. I walked in this morning with confidence. I have to say that nothing really derailed the day, a couple of minor hiccups but nothing more. By the time I got to the end of the day though, I was wound up tight as a spring. Now having spent the last few months teaching myself to control my feelings and reactions, I was somewhat taken aback by this.
I have tried to debrief myself his evening and work out why I feel as though I am walking along the edge of a precipice and I think that a lot of it has to do with the relief of not having to work for the next five weeks. In my journey towards accepting awesome I have had to significantly compromise the way that I do things, the way that I think and react and most specifically my level of engagement in a number of situations.
I had been very happy with the way that I was going but today I guess I was asking myself whether I can really change to the extent that I have. My thought processes have become a lot more analytical, a lot more calculated and a lot more controlled. Today I could still work through the analytical but not the calculated and controlled.
Levels of engagement have probably been the hardest thing to change. Considering that I have always gone at 100 miles an hour and put in 110%, since stepping back, I have been feeling quite often that I am watching someone else’s life. This level of disconnect is both disconcerting and unsustainable.
I am not sure where to go with this one. I understand the self-destructive nature of doing things the way I did previously but I am also starting to feel that the disconnect from disengagement is also destructive, not destructive in way that getting caught up in the passion of continually reaching higher and higher but destructive in the emptiness of letting the passion go.
I will no doubt write some more on this topic. I need to mull over it some more and work out the way back from the edge, but now sleep beckons!